One year...

I now know that the first two weeks of November will never be the same for me ever again. Its the two weeks in the year, I ll always wish didn't exist. Brings back a lot of pain. There is a vacuum He left in my life which no one can fill up. My happiness will never be complete, I have often fallen short of elation in the last one year. Something stops me, reminds me - He is not around. That takes away a small part. I long to hear His voice, to see His beautiful face, the serene smile, to hold that strong hand and all I manage is a memory. But a memory so livid, I almost feel Him standing next to me and talking. I always believed Him and I had a special connection which no daughter has had with her father. Now, I believe that more than ever. Its funny how much Him and I fought, disagreed. Today, at every step, I realise what a fool I was for He was mostly right :) My father is the most beautiful person I know. Lived like a king, died like one, still lives like one. I love you dad!

My desire...

So it started one day with a Tam-Brahm entering my life. Mr. Kapil Subramanian. I have never had a friend with that last name! And I was not planning on making one either. But then these things happen (man i hate Fate or whatever it is). Wait, wait - HE ain't my desire. ugghh!! (no offense Kapil).

This day God knows what came over us lot at office, we decided to order from Dominos. Now the menu was with a certain someone (let's call him Mr. Where-is-the-party-tonight). We all got busy drooling over the menu trying to figure out what to order. In all that hustle bustle suddenly Mr. Where-is-the-party-tonight goes, "Hum ye lenge." It's not as much as what he said but the way he did. There were these big eyes of a child looking at some toy he had longed for forever. We figured after a while he was pointing towards the picture of the famous choco lava cake. The cake does not bother me as much as that look. And that is when I decided I want to have one too.

Kapil is the criminal for he is the one who is supposed to get me the choco lava cake. Now the Tam-Brahm quits and I am left with a desire. Kapil you owe me one dude. Maybe I should come and open my lovely eyes wide and say, " Kapil, hum ye lenge," and your heart shall melt and my cake shall present itself! What say?

When I lost Him.....

November 4, 2009

I am getting ready to go to office but there is an uneasiness. I do not mention it to my mother. She just came back from the hospital after spending the night there. My father has been in and out of hospitals often since the year 2000 and I know this time also he will be back home in a few days. I get ready, have my cup of tea and get into the car. Something comes over me and I want to go see dad. I take the U-turn towards the hospital (again mom does not know). I reach his room to find him crowded by 4 if the hospital staff. I don't understand anything. Didn't mom say he was feeling better??

I am told he is having issues breathing and they are shifting him to the ICU where he will be put on oxygen. Him on the stretcher, I accompany the male nurse into the lift. I ask him, "Dad are you okay?", his reply - a faint smile. I urge on, "Dad can you hear me?", "Yes, i am fine." I hold his hand.

We reach the ICU and I am told to stay out till they prepare him to be put on oxygen. I don't pay heed and I continue to stand where I was. It suddenly dawns on me that my mother needs to know. I run out, make the call. Come back inside to find him strapped with machines, a mask covering his nose and mouth. There are injections being given to him intravenously which make me uncomfortable. I walk out, inform office I won't be coming in. The pehli paudi paath comes to me as it does in most times of happiness or despair. I start chanting (inside my head), mom arrives. She looks like she will fall anytime. She goes in sees dad and comes out. I see this is when she needs me like she never has or ever will. She falls crying, I run to grab her, ask her to calm down and tell her everything will be okay soon (I don't believe a word of what I tell her). I go out and buy her all the medicines, my aunt arrives. We all wait outside the ICU, hoping that every time a nurse or a doctor walks out there will be good news, none arrives. I am the one who goes in most for I do not think my mother can handle it. I see him struggling to take the mask off, he doesn't want it. Never was one with or for restrictions. I walk up to his bed and stop him from trying to take it off. I try and talk to him but I realise he no longer is talking. I wonder if he is unconscious. Can he listen to me? Can he feel me hold his hand? I do not know. Yet, I talk to him, try and tell him how much I need him. I hold his hand for I have a fear I might not be able to do it again.

Go home for a while and come back to the hospital. Stay till night and mom sends me back home. At home all I can think about is him. Everything else, everyone else ceases to exist. At 11.55, I get an SMS from a friend informing me of his father's demise. I wonder if this is a sign. I sleep only little that night.

November 5, 2009

The first thing I do the following morning is message my friend, I know he is in a state but he tries to sound in control. I visit the hospital and the doctor tells me dad needs blood. I call up a few people I know and finally settle for DDU (another friend works there). I go see him to find him the same. I can't believe he is the very person I met 2 days ago. He looks devoid of any life except the mechanical breathing. I talk to him again, ask him how he is feeling, tell him I am tired, how he needs to get up now and take care of me rather than making me do the other way round. I know he hears me although I get no response. I rush back home and update my sister on his condition. I feel the need to go see my friend for some reason I seem to understand what he is going through. I go see him near ITO where his father's body is kept before they fly to Indore for the last rites. I see him standing tall. I don't feel for even once that he is the man who lost his father and then I see it. His eyes give away all that pretence. I wonder how he manages (only to find out later). I rush to the blood bank from there. The ordeal takes 4 hours. I manage to reach the hospital in once piece. Mom informs me dad is better. I go in to see him and I do not agree with her. Same - silence. I stay with him a little longer this time, stroking his hand, his forehead time and again. I wonder what he was like as a kid :), I feel like a mother. Awkwardly, I feel slightly better and I think I imagine him smile as well. Back home to little sleep.

November 6, 2009

I am again told today that he needs more blood. I wonder why but then his hemoglobin was ALWAYS an issue. My brother-in-law accompanies me to DDU this time. Again 4 hours and we get the blood. At the hospital, I visit dad and I feel that he is better for I see him move. I am elated. Sister and brother-in-law visit him and they feel the same. Its probably how one finds comfort for oneself. Mom cries, eats, drinks, sleeps and lives at the hospital. Nothing that anyone says seems to make her go home not even for sometime. I am amazed at her strength. I go back home to come back the next morning.

November 7, 2009

Blood requirement again. This time I decide to go to Red Cross with 2 donors (friends again). It takes 3 hours. I reach the hospital (Darya Ganj branch) with the blood. Dad was shifted in the evening and mom tells me he spoke to her on their way. My happiness knows no boundaries. I want to see him as soon as possible so I rush into the ICCU. The guard stops me, I do not pay attention. I walk up to him and he looks serene sleeping. I touch his arm tell him I have come. He opens his eyes a little and talks to me. I realise he thinks I am my mother. I tell him I am not, I am his daughter instead. He pretends that he knew all along. I am talking a little louder than usual and he scolds me to keep it low. I have never felt happier at him scolding me. I know he is back. I convince mom to let me stay at the hospital for the night. She agrees. I don't sleep at all for I go check on him every hour or two. Keeps me going.

November 8, 2009

I check on him in the morning again and then I go home for a while. Don't realise when I fall asleep. I am woken up by a call from my brother-in-law who says we need to go to the hospital - my sister and I. Paranoia strikes, I wonder what happened. We reach the hospital and my mother tells me he has been put on the ventilator. I rush to the ICCU door which is locked. I kick it as hard as I can for beyond it lies my father who I feel has gone very far away from me. I kick, I cry, I fall. Its the first time in the last four days I have expressed any emotion. I want him to live. My sister is sent back home. I stay on, nothing on this planet can make me leave the hospital. I make frantic calls to my doctor friends. Friends and relatives come to visit. No sleep tonight either. I check on him every hour or so. I see him move his arms (which are tied to the sides of the bed), another hope.

November 9, 2009

Next morning I visit home for an hour. Can't bear to stay longer so rush back. I stay with mom for a while and then go visit dad. The duty doctor that night is a rather young fellow who checks my dad's pupils and says he responded and that is a good sign. I raise him to the position of being my God. I go out and start chanting the Maha Mrityunjaya Jap. A friend from office visits. I get back to my chant after dinner. My friend is flying back from Indore tonight and he comes down to the hospital straight from the airport. Its the first time in days, I am happy to see someone. He leaves, I am back to the chant.

November 10, 2009

At a quarter to one, the male nurse asks me to accompany him. My mother follows. The doctor tells me that dad had a coronary and they had to revive him but he is stable now. Mom is in a state I leave her with my aunt and I sit outside the ICCU. I go to check on my mother and by the time I come back (3.50) and peep through the ICCU window I realise they are once again reviving him. I see them crowded around him, thumping his chest, trying to pump some air into his lungs. I pray, I want him to stay, I am greedy. I stay near the ICCU door not wanting to leave, chanting. At 5.50, another attack, this time I can't bear to see them thump his chest. I wonder if he should leave us and be free of this misery. I stand near the door, I look at the heart monitor. It fluctuates between 65-180, I don't want to think what that means. It lasts for more than 6 minutes. The line on the heart monitor loses slope. I stand there for 5 minutes not knowing what to do next. I walk up to my mother and tell her "He is no more" and without waiting for her reply I walk back inside. I walk up to his bed, I hold his hand and sit down by his bed. I cry for I know there will be no hand to hold soon. I cry for I know I have lost him forever. I cry for I know I won't be able to the moment I walk out of that door.

It is said you lose a part of you when someone close to you dies. I lost several parts of me for I lost a father, a friend, a guide, a mentor and a child in him.